In the beginning I created this blog. Now the blog was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the screen, and I was hovering over the page. And I said, "Let there be a post," and there was a post (Genesis 1:1).
Hi, my name's Jacob and welcome to my blog. This post is hopefully the first of many, but I don't like commitment so I'm not promising anything. I'm not really sure what I want this blog to be at the moment. I thought it would be interesting, so here we are. I don't think there's going to be much of a theme for this bad boy; its just going to be me talking about whatever it is I feel like saying. Seeing as this is the inaugural blog, I think it would be a good idea to start us off light. So without further ado, this week's topic is lamps.
Nah, I'm kidding. We're gonna talk about puns. You like that segue? I don't know why, but I find puns to be fascinating. Nobody ever enjoys hearing a pun, yet people still rattle 'em off like fireworks on the 4th of July. You see, there's no such thing as a good pun; they are inherently terrible by nature. A punner never relays his joke thinking that it's genuinely funny. Instead, they find a perverse sense of pleasure in making others cringe. An individual on the receiving end of a pun finds themselves in a pickle. What are they supposed to do? In all my years I've had plenty of experience of both sides of the pun covenant; the way I see it, there's only a handful of valid responses.
1. Stare at the person responsible for the travesty with a look of pure and utter disappointment. I'm sure you know the look, it's the one your parents gave you after you decided to drop out of high school and pursue a career as a cross-dressing tightrope walker for the local carnival. Just stare right into their soul with a deadpan expression and sadness in your eyes. Bonus points for a slow and subtle head shake to really emphasize your discontent with the situation.
2. This is a personal favorite of mine: point at them and laugh with the most obviously fake laugh you can muster. I'm talking a laugh so undeniably fake that even a young infant could tell it was sarcastic. It always helps to say something along the lines of "that was a good one." The goal of this approach is to make the punner feel just as uncomfortable as you. Really make them feel the disdain that's flowing through your veins. They deserve it for birthing the abomination that was their pun.
3. Walk away. Someone who utters the devil's joke does not deserve to be your acquaintance. They are a toxin to your life and should be expunged as quickly as possible. Lucky for me, people rarely take this approach. That' right, I admitted it. I'm a filthy punner and I hate myself for it. Every morning I'm forced to look at myself in the mirror and cope with the monster that I've become. I wasn't always like this you know? I used to be a normal person who made good jokes just like you, but that version of my self is long gone. Now... now every waking thought is consumed with creating puns. I want to stop but I can't. Whatever you do, don't make the same mistakes I did. It's not too late for you, learn from my sins and repent!
Alright, that's gonna be the end of the blog. I might see you next time if I ever feel like doing one of these again. Adios.
